


Insecure

by LocalTrashCanTM



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-03-09 09:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13478799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalTrashCanTM/pseuds/LocalTrashCanTM
Summary: It's up to Thomas to help James love himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Madison's P.O.V  
I honestly hate my body. In my opinion  
it's too chubby. I'm also short so that doesn't help either. I don't understand why I have this disgusting body. I try to eat healthy and exercise, but I can never lose the weight. I hate it. Since I hate my body, I almost never go shopping with people. I don't eat in front of people. I don't change in front of people. I don't like hugs or being picked up. And the biggest one is that I don't like people commenting about my body, what I eat, or what I'm wearing; even if it's a compliment or their worried I'm not eating enough. It's become a huge problem recently. Since  
I've started dating Thomas, he constantly wants to spoil me with food, clothes, books, and just random things. However, he mostly buys me clothes and food with the excuses "You'll look adorable in that" or "You're too thin! If my mother saw you she would stuff you with food." It's also really bad because he loves to cook so much. Ever since he went to France, he always wants to cook. The thing is though he cooks for five people instead of two. He always wants me to try on clothes and eat more food, but I don't want to. It's getting harder and harder to come up with excuses as to why I won't take his gifts. I don't know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Third P.O.V  
Thomas decided that today he would treat his amazing boyfriend to a day out on the town. He had planned the whole day to the dot. There was something bothering Thomas, however. He knew that something was wrong with James. He never really smiled or ate anymore. He would always wear extremely baggy clothes. As far as Thomas knew, James hasn't eaten in a week. He was getting worried about him. Thomas shook his head and continued to head to Jame's house. James had woken up four hours ago around three in the morning. He decided to go to the gym, only to find out it didn't open till 8. He then just went for a run. He ended up running for two hours before heading back home. He had thrown up a lot on his way back to his house due to the fact he hadn't eaten in a week. He knew that this wasn't good for him, but he was desperate to lose weight. He weighed 350 pounds. He went to his bathroom to see if he lost any weight. The scale read "330." "I've only lost 20 pounds! This is ridiculous!" James decided that he would just sleep today and maybe watch a movie. He didn't want anyone to see him in his depressed mood. All of this changed when he heard a knock on his door. He grudgingly went to the door and opened it. He was shocked to see Thomas there. "Hey babe!" Thomas said while pulling him into a hug. He then did something that James didn't like; he picked him up. James began to struggle against his hold and hit Thomas on his back. "PUT ME DOWN!" James yelled. Thomas's smile fell and he put his boyfriend down. "You know I hate it when you pick me up!" James said angrily. Thomas looked down ashamed at himself. James sighed before asking Thomas what he wanted. Thomas became his old self and started to talk a mile a minute about all his plans for today. "Slow down Thomas!" James said. "We're going on an adventure today! This will be the best day ever." Thomas was smiling really wide while James had a frown upon his face. "Not today Thomas."


	3. Chapter 3

Thomas's P.O.V   
What... did he just... say no? "What?" I asked as my smile fell. Why doesn't he want to go on a date with me? "I'm not feeling well Thomas. Maybe another time." I had a new idea. "Well if you aren't feeling well then we can hang out here and have fun!" My smile returned at the idea. James face didn't change however. "Thomas.. I don't feel like being around people today." James explained. I wanted to cry. James doesn't want to hang out with me. I look down disappointedly. "Oh ok James. I'll leave you a-alone." Damn jr I'm crying. I know that I'm being a pussy, but I mean I've known James wasn't happy recently so I really wanted to cheer him up. A tear rolled down my cheek as I turned around to leave. I felt a hand on my shoulder before I got to leave. "Thomas.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been like that. Here, let's just go watch a movie together." I turned around to see James smiling. My smile reformed bigger than ever. I pulled James into yet another bone crushing huge, but this time I noticed something when I picked him up. He was lighter. But how? I know he goes to the gym, but he should still weigh the same maybe more due to muscles growing. I put him down with a look of concern. "James... you're lighter. Are you losing weight?" I was actually concerned. He looked away from me. "James? Answer me. Are you eating?" He looked me in the eyes and said "No."


	4. Chapter 4

James's P.O.V   
I regret it. I regret it. I shouldn't have answered. "James! That's not good for you! When's the last time you ate!?" Thomas yelled at me. "Maybe a week or two ago." I answered honestly. Thomas's face changes to complete shock. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my kitchen. He sat me on a chair and went to my fridge. He pulled out some milk and cheese before going to my cabinets. I looked away while he was cooking. When he finished, he placed a plate of Mac and cheese in front of me. "Eat." He said sternly as he sat in front of me. "Thomas i real-" "stop talking and eat." He said. I shut my mouth and took a bite of Mac and cheese. As soon as he reached my stomach, I wanted to throw up. I only got three more bites before running into the bathroom to throw up. When I came back, Thomas was staring at me with tears in his eyes. "James? Why would you stop eating?" I began to cry then. "Because I'm FAT Thomas! I'm fat and ugly! I hated my weight and I had to get rid of it! I hate myself that's why Thomas! I'm not beautiful or anything!" I felt arms wrap around me in a gentle soft hug. "James...why would you ever thing you are less then perfect? Your weight doesn't define you." I just shook my head. "You're lying!" I said tears. "No I'm not James. And I'll prove it to you." I didn't believe him, but i was willing to try. "You have three days." I stated nonchalantly. He hugged me tighter and kissed my neck. "That's all I'll need."


	5. Day one

Third P.O.V   
Jefferson walked over to James house at exactly 4:02 am. He knew that sometimes James would wake up extremely early just because he couldn't sleep. As he was arriving to his house, he noticed James leaving his house. Thomas began to jog towards him, catching him by surprise. "Thomas!? What are you doing here?" James asked. "Well I knew that sometimes you get nightmares and wake up early. So, I decided to come over really early to see you." Thomas explained. James smiled at that. He didn't know Thomas remembered about his nightmares. "Thank you Thomas." James said hugging him. Thomas embraced the hug and picked him up. "THOMAS!" James said angrily. "Sorry pretty boy, but today I'm not letting you down." James struggled to get out of his hold, but Thomas had a steel grip. He entered James house, and placed his boyfriend on the couch. "Thomas you know that I hate.." Jame's rant was cut off by Thomas placing his lips on James. James blushed and kissed back. Thomas pulled away and smiled at his boyfriend. He ruffled the little hair James had. "Stop it," James giggled. Thomas grabbed his hand and pulled him off the couch. "James, today is my day one on making you love yourself. So I want to start with the reasons you don't love yourself and what the effects." Thomas stated with a serious tone. James looked away from Thomas. "Thomas... I really don't... feel comfortable telling you that." James muttered. Thomas sat down and tugged James down on him. As James awkwardly stuttered, Thomas held him close to his chest. "James, listen to hear that." James head was against Thomas's chest. "I hear your heart beat. It's going really fast." "Do you want to know why?" James nodded. "It's because I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I won't be able to make you love yourself. The only way I can try is if you tell me exactly why you don't like yourself." James pondered that. He sighed and opened up to Thomas. "I feel like I'm fat. I'm too short. I look awful in tight clothes. I just feel...ugly." Thomas frowned at that. Thomas knew James was vulnerable at this point; which is what he wanted. "James? I don't see how you see that. You're not fat in the slightest. You've lost so much weight that I can't even begin to describe how you think you're fat. You're also no short. You're the average height." Thomas said. James just looked at Thomas with tears in his eyes. "I'm still ugly. You can change weight and height, but no matter what I will be ugly." Thomas held James even closer. "Thomas you are not, and I mean are not, ugly. You are the most beautiful person I've ever meet. You are so beautiful. You're eyes shine like stars. Your smile lights up a room. You're voice sounds like milk and honey flowing. You're skin is a beautiful chocolate brown. You are the textbook definition of beautiful. You are also beautiful on the inside which makes you even more beautiful on the outside." Thomas held James while he cried. Thomas kissed away some of his tears. James knew what Thomas said was true, yet he didn't believe it. Or maybe he did? He was a kind person. He never hurt anyone. He guessed he could at least believe he was beautiful on the inside. "I mean that's a small a small step in the right direction," James thought.


	6. Day one PT.DEUX

Third P.O.V  
The two boys sat on the couch watching the notebook. That movie always made Thomas cry. James laughed as he boyfriend sobbed. James stomach lgrowled and he blushed. Thomas got up and went to the kitchen. He got out the ingredients to make James some spaghetti; he's favorite. Thomas added some red wine for richer flavor. James smelled the food cooking and slightly cringed at the idea of eating. As Thomas finished cooking, he brought a bowl out to James. "My famous red wine spaghetti!" Thomas said handing James the bowl. James just stared at it. "Thomas I'm not..." "Don't lie James. I heard your stomach growl. Now eat." Thomas said sternly. James ate slowly. Thomas ate his own. Once Thomas had finished his whole bowl, he noticed that James had finished more than half. Thomas smiled wide. He hugged James. "LOOK! You ate more than half of it James! I'm so proud of you!" James smiled at his kind words. James was positive he could eat more. Thomas's spaghetti is the freaking best! James was also afraid though. "What if I get fatter?" He questioned to himself. Thomas knew that James was having self hating thoughts. "James, I hope you know you are absolutely perfect. In fact, knowing you love my cooking makes you even more perfect!" Thomas said encouragingly. James smiled and put his bowl away. He wanted to go running. "Thomas can we go running?" James questioned. "When you're food settles in your stomach. I don't want you throwing up." Thomas agreed. After half an hour, they went running. Thomas made James take a break every 20 minutes or so to get water. James felt great! He wasn't like before when he would run with an empty stomach. When they finished, James felt refreshed. He went to get a shower as did Thomas in the spare room. James looked at himself in the mirror. He looked at his stomach. It poked out a little. He decided to weigh himself. "305" the scale read. He gasped. He had lost more weight by eating and running. He then knew that he had to eat. Eating was healthier than starving. Silently James swore to always eat, as long as he exercised afterwards. He smiled and entered the shower. Thomas was outside James bathroom door when he heard James silent promise. He smiled and got into his shower. Day one: complete.


	7. Day two

3rd P.O.V

James woke up first. It was 3 am. He had really bad insomnia. It was one of those nights were he just couldn't get comfortable in bed. However once he did, his brain suddenly woke up. He didn't know if he should just go back to sleep or go running. He decided to go running. He quietly went down stairs to get a water bottle and a granola bar. When he got the two things, he put on his running shows and headed out. While he was running, he slowly ate away at his granola bar. It felt odd in a way. Two days ago he would have had an empty stomach while runnig. He continued to run for about two hours taking small breaks for water inbetween. To say he felt tired was an understatement. He felt exhausted considering he had less than 3 hours of sleep and only had a granola bar in his system. As he made his way back home to rest, he felt his phone buzz. He pulled out his phone to see Thomas was calling. He quickly clicked accept. Before he could even utter a hello, Thomas screamed,"WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OK?! ARE YOU HURT?! TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!" He pulled the phone away from his ear. "Thomas calm down," he said softly with a headache forming. "I just went on a run. Don't worry though. I took water breaks and ate something before I left. I am heading home right now. I'll be there soon. Love you." Before Thomas could respond, he hung up. While at home, Thomas was worried. He didn't know if James was telling the truth or not, but he decided to believe it was the truth. He silently waited for James to return. Waking up to see that your boyfriend who you are trying to help fight an eating disorder missing is actually quite scary. Thomas thought of all the worst possible situations. He thought James ran away so Thomas couldn't help him. He though James went somewhere to get diet pills. He thought James had killed... he stopped thinking then. That was a biggest fear of Thomas's. He knew that some people who didn't like themselves sometimes killed themselves. He was horrified that James was at that point of hating himself. He didn't want to James to die. Call him selfish, but he wanted James to stay with him forever. His thoughts were interrupted as he heard the front door slam. He quickly got out of his seat to go hug his sweaty boyfriend. As he engulfed James into a hug, he began to say,"James, please don't do that again! I was worried sick!" Thomas pulled away from the sweaty hug. "I'm sorry Thomas," James began," I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a run." Thomas smiled at his beautiful boyfriend. "Now," James continued as he yawned," if you'll excuse me I am going to take a nap." Thomas watched his boyfriend walk up stairs. Thomas smiled to himself. He could see that James was a little more comfortable now. He then went to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast.


	8. Day two pt.DEUX

Third person P.O.V  
It was only two hours later when James woke up and Thomas finished preparing breakfast. Thomas had made some homemade cinnamon rolls, knowing that James couldn't resist one. (honestly who can resist a cinnamon roll? cinnamon rolls are the best. sorry back to the story.) As James walked down to the kitchen, he caught the scent of the sweet cinnamon rolls. His stomach growled as he entered the kitchen. Thomas let out a small laugh as he handed James his plate containing 3 cinnamon rolls. James took a seat by the island bar and dug into one of the delicious cinnamon rolls. After finishing two, he put his uneaten cinnamon roll back in the tray before proceeding to the sink to wash his plate. Jefferson saw this as an opportunity to work on an issue that James had which was having people pick him up. With his ninja like skills, he tiptoed over to his boyfriend. When James was putting the now clean plate up, Jefferson swooped in and picked him. Being startled by the sudden invasion of his personal bubble, James screamed and dropped his plate. "Thomas what the hell!?" He screamed as Thomas continued to hold him up. "We need to work on the things that you hate doing because of your poor body image. You hate it when I pick you up so I figured this was a good place to start!" Thomas explained. "Well next time give me a warning! Now put me down so I can clean up the broken plate,"James said. James wasn't even that mad that Thomas picked him up, it's the fact that Thomas made him drop one of his dishes that made him mad. "Nope. You can clean it up later. We have a whole day of stuff to do." James sighed. "Thomas, if you don't put me down so I can clean up the mess you made me make, I will never let you eat Mac and cheese in my house again." With the threat of losing his second love, he put James down. "Alright. But we still gotta do stuff after you clean up," Thomas said as James swept up the shatters pieces of his plate. "What are we doing?" James asked as he put the shattered pieces in the trash. "Stuff," Thomas answered wrapping the left over cinnamon rolls. James just rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's antics. What James didn't know was that today he was going to go do all the things he hates. Like changing clothes in front of people, getting compliments on him, and get him hugs and such. Today was going to be a wild ride.


End file.
